I will start by repeating: there is nothing wonderful about being a widow. The "wonder" in the blog title refers to the awestruck wonder I am continually left in, as the process of grief unfolds within and around me. Perhaps the most poignant moment of wonder happened the day after my husband Matt died unexpectedly, when geese flew over my head the moment after I said out loud that I loved him. That is the moment I felt his soul/spirit leave his body, and the beginning of my knowing, not just thinking, that the spirit world is real, and connection with it is real, too. It also catalyzed my wonder at how the spirit world can be so real, and yet such a marginalized part of most people’s everyday life. Click here to read more about that moment with the geese.
Being a widow and a working solo parent of a three-year-old is not really wonderful. Yes, I do count my blessings that I have work I love and my child is spectacular and makes this situation survivable. Being his mother is mostly wonderful.
Doing life without his father here in earth is not.
Therein lies the deepest wonder (and grief) of all. He is not here, and yet I cannot deny that he is here in some ways. I have experienced undeniable phenomena that whisper, if not shout, of the reality of life beyond life, and how Matt is still with us... The aforementioned geese (and then more geese), pipes banging under my house days after Matt died, dream visitations, and more (check back soon for more details here).
I have also experienced the paralyzing weight of grief, and was railroaded by the impact of physiological and emotional shock the moment I was told the devastating news. Matt died in an unexplained crash of an ultra-light aircraft called a powered hang-glider. The moment I found out (soon to be detailed here), my body and voice stopped working. I couldn’t walk on my own for two days, and for three days, my voice came out as a warbling distortion of a shattered self.
So I am here to share my wonder of the “magic” of the spirit world, and the pain of grief, as I experience it all. I will explore themes like, how can we more fully embrace life as a continuum of spiritual experience, with this physical lifetime being only part of the journey? How do we keep the doorways in and out of this life more open, to allow our wisdom to travel with us? How can I live my life more in connection with my passed loved ones, and teach my son to do the same?
In another vein of inquiry, how do we embrace the mystery of grief, and make space for it in all the wild and sideways angles it comes at us? Is there a “better” way to do it than what’s “normal” in our culture?
My grief counsellor also invited me to embrace this platform as a way to preserve the memory of a loving father, for our son. That he may know himself by knowing from whence he came. That he and the world may know one more true love story, and how our vows were really so much more than “till death do us part.”
This is a space of story-telling and question-asking. And maybe answering. ;)
Thanks for joining me!
Jenna ~ I'm so touched by your vulnerability and willingness to put into words your experiences that are so beyond words and yet, with a desire to share these moments with others - to show the possibilities and pain - you do what can seem like the impossible - invite us into a touching, beautiful exploration of wonder and loss and grief and unexpected gifts, both through your own journey and in our own lives. Thank you for your courage to be a storyteller and messenger. I so look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteDear Jenna, Thank you for sharing your story. My hearts breaks for you as I suppose I moderately relate to your feelings from my own experiences. I could not agree more that talking about our loved ones and sharing them with others breathes life into their soul. I commend you for taking the steps we so often do not in our culture. I never met Matt, but I can tell he was wonderful because he married you, and know he will be with you spiritually forever. What a beautiful child you have to hold and love. Since your blog welcomes dialogue, - maybe consider asking what Matt would say right now, and how he would want you to live and feel. I am sure he would tell you to live your fullest and that he believes in you so much. Thank you again for sharing, and even though you and I are not very close, if you ever need a friend to talk to, I'm there. Because you are such a lovely person Jenna. Love, Bonnie
ReplyDelete" . . . our vows were really so much more than 'til death do us part.'" I feel the undercurrent of love in this story is wand that summons the wonder. Such a beautiful love. Blessed to know and to feel it. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
ReplyDeleteMy dear sweet sister, I sit in awe of you everyday. Your strength and ability to know not only inspire me but intimidate me. You and Jack are the gifts that Matt left for all of us. But I have to be honest, I hate it so much. I miss him but when I think about you, I get stuck in anger. I realize there is a process of grief.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you are a widow. But watching you navigate life being open to it’s sharp edges and soft corners, it’s something that is teaching me something important. I love you so much and I’m always here, I’ll never go anywhere either.
You are strong to share such pain and intimatcies, I admire and respect you for this strength.
These are stories that I am very happy to know about, so thank you for the hard work of putting them out for us to read. I can imagine parts of it aren’t easy at all.
I love you...
nicole